I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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