Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
