No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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