Your mouth is God's brothel.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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