he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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