Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
