My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
