Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
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i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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