I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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