Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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