It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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