While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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