Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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