I skipped work to stalk him.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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