I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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