Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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