so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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