For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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