How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize