the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
