After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
