does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
