and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
