My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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