my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
