don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
