i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
