they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Send help, water and tortillas.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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