So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
