Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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