I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
