I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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