they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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