There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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