just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
