yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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