when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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