i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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