We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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