Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
