3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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