I met the friendliest cop last night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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