Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
