A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
