Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
