We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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