um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
