I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize