My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
