I just cut my nipple shaving
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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