dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
