drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
