It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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