Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can't turn off my feet"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
