if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
