Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
