i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS