Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
oh god was she eating orange peels again
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus