Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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