need another drink. this is the easiest way
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
