there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
