Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
