We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
